


It’s a new life, for me.

by HoltzmannForDays



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - All Media Types, Hollstien - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Eventual Smut, F/F, Mental Health Issues, Professor!Carmilla, TW: Sexual Assualt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-07-24 13:03:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16175618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoltzmannForDays/pseuds/HoltzmannForDays
Summary: After a series of unfortunate events, Laura and her father decide to uproot their life in California and move all the way to the Great North. Vancouver to be more specific. Laura’s starting her first year at Silas University and after an impromptu meeting with one of her professors a week before school starts...Laura thinks this year may not be so bad after all.





	1. Fiona Apple?

Walking down the empty halls of Silas High, Laura ran her fingers against the pale plaster walls. It was a cold environment. One of an unforgiving nature. She wanted to gain a sense of her surroundings before starting her first year there. Taking an independent tour of the campus the weekend before school began seemed appropriate. The parking lot was only occupied by a single aged motorcycle Laura figured was the janitors.

Laura’s steps grew tentative as soft music filled the area and the smell of incense alerted her nose. As she walked farther her ears picked up the unmistakable sound of a smooth sultry voice with the accompaniment of a base guitarist.

 

[Fiona](https://youtu.be/QnXjISlKLuE) _Apple?_ _What_ _an_ _odd_ _thing_ _for_ _a_ _janitor_ _to_ _be_ _listening_ _to._

 

Laura stopped before the source of music only to observe it was no janitor at all. Inside the small classroom was a woman hunched over a rather large ceder wood desk. Dark brown hair fell over her shoulders in deep curls. She wore a crimson red sweater and as Laura rounded the corner she noticed small reading glasses sitting on the edge of her nose. The woman seemed to be too engrossed in her writing to acknowledge Laura’s existence. There was a small crease on her forehead due to the drawing of the brunette’s eyebrows. She was clearly frustrated. And absolutely gorgeous.

It wasn’t until Laura cleared her throat that she noticed her presence.

“Goodness!” The woman exclaimed as she grasped the shirt material over where her heart was located. She removed her glasses and rubbed her eyes.

Laura walked hesitantly closer towards the frazzled woman.

“Oh -ah- sorry ma’am. I didn’t mean to frighten you.”

The woman huffed and began to say “Who the he-“ before cutting herself off after seeing exactly whom it was who disturbed her. “It’s fine. Warn a girl next time would you?”

Laura nodded enthusiastically before slowly offering her hand.

“Laura. I’m Laura.”

The brunette eyed it for a moment before getting up and throwing away whatever she was working on.

“Can I help you...”

“-Laura.”

“Laura?”

The shorter girl rang her hands together and stammered, “Uh - no. I suppose not. Sorry.”

She turned to leave the classroom before a soft voice stopped her.

“Hey.”

Laura stopped in the door frame and whipped her head around.

“I’m assuming you’re a student, yes?”

Laura nodded.

“You do know that school doesn’t start for another week.”

Laura nodded again.

“Why are you here then?”

Laura dropped her gaze and shrugged.

“I find it hard to believe that you wandered onto a school campus of all places without any predetermined purpose. That would be a little odd, no?”

Laura suddenly felt very small as the woman drew nearer; stalking over to her in a pair of sleek leather combat boots.

She stopped right before Laura bearing a gaze so kind Laura felt the need to confess all of her secrets to her in that single moment.

“Carmilla,” The woman said as she removed a hand from her crossed arms to extend it. “Though I’m sure you’ll be calling me Ms. Karnstein soon enough.” She offered with a devious smile.

Laura took the hand in her own and was surprised by its frigid temperature but shook it nonetheless.

“Laura.” She replied.

“So you’ve said.” Carmilla laughed.

Laura wished she could have taped that sound and reserved it for whenever she felt her lowest. It was clearly supposed to be aloof, but was nothing but warm.

“I should probably be going.” Laura murmured.

“Probably.” Carmilla replied before heading back to her desk.

“I’ll uh...I’ll see you around then?”

Carmilla placed her reading glasses back on her nose before pulling out a clean piece of paper.

“Close the door on your way out will you?”

Laura would have found the suggestion rude if it weren’t for the small smile she spotted on the professor’s mouth as she left.

 

 _Maybe this year will be alright._


	2. Professor Karnstein, AP English

An ungodly sound woke Laura as she hit the alarm clock hard enough to silence it. It was a terrible hour to be awake at, but it was the first day of her first year at at Silas University and she didn’t fancy being late.

After receiving her schedule just days before with **Professor** **Karnstien** **AP** **English** listed as her last period, Laura knew she had to dress presentably.

Though it was a private school there were no uniforms in order to defy gender constructs. Laura found it admirable.

So she slowly got out of bed, showered, and stood in front of her closet remembering a time in which she would excitedly choose her outfits the night before.

 

 _Oh_ , _how_ _things_ _have_ _changed_.

 

She decided to go with a conservative button up and sweater combination then pulled on a pair of jeans and flats.

Laura gave herself a once-over before heading downstairs to the strong scent of bacon and burnt toast.

“Mornin’ sunshine,” a low voice called from the kitchen.

“Hey Dad,” Laura replied with faux perkiness. She took a seat and tapped her fingers on the dining table while waiting for breakfast.

“Excited for your first day of school Kiddo?” Her father asked as he set a plate of bacon and bread in front of Laura. She smiled in thanks and answered his question with a nod. Laura hoped the gesture would ease his curiosity so she wouldn’t have to keep this facade up for much longer.

“Good,” he said before eating his own food.

Laura thought about how much it bothered her to lie constantly to her father. But it was better than the alternative. Better than the truth.

Sherman glanced down at his watch, “We’ve gotta get going if you want to make it to class on time.”

Laura hummed in acknowledgement before grabbing her backpack and lunch.

“All ready?”

“Yup,” she replied and hopped into the passenger seat of her father’s truck.

The ride was silent as [John Mayer ](https://youtu.be/rZLbUIa7exE)played softly on the stereo. Laura looked out the window and thought about how she’d get through the day. She thought about where she’d sit at lunch, where her classes were, who her professors were, then...Carmilla.

 _Professor_ _Karnstein_ , Laura corrected herself.

The teacher was undoubtedly attractive, with whiskey dark eyes and a jawline that could open a vein. Her voice was soft but husky. The way she held herself was intimidating and almost cold. The way she formed sentences hinted at a higher degree of education than most. To put it simply, she fascinated Laura. In fact she was the only reason Laura got out of bed this morning if the young girl was being honest with herself.

The engine died and Laura was pulled from her straying thoughts.

“Well,” Sherman sighed, “We’re here.”

Laura nodded with a smile and leaned over to give her father a quick hug.

“Thanks Dad. See you later,” she spoke before going to open the door.

“You took your meds this morning, right?” He asked hurriedly.

“Yes, of course,” Laura lied easily.

“Okay. Bye sweetheart,” he said as he started the engine again.

Laura waved goodbye as her father pulled out of the parking lot and couldn’t help but be relieved by the now absence of his presence.

Before she could guilt trip herself about that, the hum of a motorcycle engine interrupted her thoughts.

It was an older model. Modest. Not extravagant or overly masculine like most were. It’s rider wore a grey leather jacket and black helmet. They parked and locked the bike and started to remove their helmet and -

 

 _Holy_ _Hufflepuff_ _that’s_ _Carmilla_

 

Long, thick dark hair revealed itself as the woman shook her head lightly. Subtle red lipstick could be seen even from Laura’s distance. She was stunning.

 

 _Get_ _your_ _head_ _in_ _the_ _game_ _Hollis_

 

Laura turned around in order to clear her head before coming face to face with another student.

“Watch it!” He shrieked as all of Laura’s supplies flew out of her hands. The boy didn’t even spare her a second glance as he kept walking.

She tried desperately to gather all her belongings as quick as possible as to not make a scene.

“Kids can be mean,” came a warm voice from beside Laura. She didn’t even have to turn around to know who’s it belonged to. She grimaced internally.

“It was my fault,” she said quietly.

Two hands began collecting books from the ground before she placed one on Laura’s shoulder.

“From where I was standing it was his. But either way.”

She removed her hand before standing again.

Carmilla took the books she picked up and gave them to Laura.

“Thanks.”

“Thank you. Now I know who to give shit in my class,” she said with a smirk.

Her brazenness surprised Laura but it didn’t seem to bother Carmilla who was now walking to her class.

 

 _Great_ _first_ _impression_ _Hollis_. _Good_ _going_.

* * *

 

In Biology she was paired with an overly enthusiastic red head for a lab partner. They seemed to want to perform every task and Laura didn’t mind letting them.

“Lafontaine,” they said with an extended hand.

Laura thought the introduction was unnecessary considering the teacher’d already announced their names, but shook their hand regardless.

“Laura.”

They moved another slide under the microscope and studied it.

“Where’d you transfer from Frosh?”

Laura rolled her eyes at the nickname but answered, “California.”

This peaked Lafontaine’s interest.

“Big move, eh?”

Laura smiled kindly and nodded.

“Well. Welcome to the great land of hockey and maple syrup then Laura.” They boasted with a toothy grin.

She laughed at their antics and then went back to filling out her lab report. Laura couldn’t help but notice Lafontaine taking a break from staring at bacteria every once in a while to glance at someone though. Another red head. Though this one had long curly hair as apposed to Lafontaine’s short and straight.

“She a friend of yours?” Laura asks, testing the waters.

They laughed to themselves, “You could say that.”

Laura smiled warmly, “Oh, I see.”

Lafontaine’s expression was one of momentary panic.

“You can’t say anything!” They whisper yelled, “She doesn’t know.”

Laura patted their back sympathetically, “To the grave partner.”

 

* * *

 

When the bell rang for lunch break Laura thought she’d take the opportunity to explore the campus a little more.

After making her way across some halls enjoying the crisp breeze she came across what must’ve been the teacher’s lounge. It was a glass paneled room with a soda machine and a few general appliances like coffee makers and microwaves.

Laura recognized all her professors where eating at the same table but one. The only teacher not in the lounge was Carmilla.

 

 _I_ _guess_ _she_ _didn’t_ _exactly_ _strike_ _me_ _as_ _a_ _socialite_

 

Seeing as there was only three minutes left of the break period, Laura decided to make her way to her last class of the day. AP English.

The way there already felt familiar as the scent of incense made itself apparent. Along with soft alternative rock.

Before knocking on the door frame, Laura took a moment to drink her in.

Carmilla was writing furiously with the same expression as before. Reading glasses perched studiously on her nose, forehead creased, lip worried between her teeth. It was arguably sexy.

“Professor Karnstein?”

Carmilla immediately put the pen down and discarded of the paper. She then rubbed her eyes again before focusing her gaze on Laura.

“Can I help you?”

Laura quickly felt like a fool.

“No. I was just wanting to get here early, considering I’m not familiar with the campus much.”

Carmilla nodded, “I see. Well take a seat Ms. Hollis. Class will begin shortly.”

 

 _Ms_. _Hollis?_ _She_ _must_ _have_ _searched_ _for_ _my_ _name_ _on_ _the_ _roster_. _Why?_

 

She took a spot near the back row and sat her things down.

“I don’t bite you know,” Carmilla laughed.

Laura thought suddenly how rude her sitting in the back must’ve looked and quickly moved to the front.

“Not unless you’d asked,” she murmured under her breathe going unnoticed by Laura.

The bell rang and students began to file into the class, each taking their respective seats. Laura noticed Lafontaine sat next to the girl she’d seemingly been infatuated with. When yet another redhead stood next to her.

“Is anyone sitting here?” The tall woman asked politely.

“Oh, no,” Laura replied with a smile.

“Danny,” the redhead said while extending her hand, “I’m the TA.”

Laura shook it and responded with her name.

 

 _What_ _is_ _it_ _with_ _Canadians_ _and_ _hand_ _shaking_ _anyway?_

 

The moment Carmilla rose from her seat the classroom went dead silent. She walked around her desk until she was in the direct center of the room and then leaned back against it.

“Good evening class. If you’re sitting here today it’s for one of three reasons. One, you’re interested in a higher degree of learning. Two, you think it’ll look great on your college transcript. Or three, you’re here to impress someone. Figure out which one it is; I’ll give you a moment.” She leaned back further on her desk, revealing defined muscles in her forearms.

“Now. If it’s any of the reasons other than one, raise your hand.”

About ten students raised their hand.

“You’re excused,” she said simply and walked back to her computer. Laura assumed she was unenrolling those students.

The kids that rose their hands shared angry glances and left the class. Everyone who remained shared humorous comments and giggles.

Carmilla rose again and stood near the front row.

“Now I believe we’re ready to begin.”

 

* * *

 

 

Laura was genuinely surprised at how much she learned in a single class period. Though it didn’t feel like learning. It felt like listening to an award winning TED talk and just absorbing the information.

Laura wanted to thank Carmilla for the lecture, but decided against it in the end.

 

_I’ve already intruded on her day once._

 


	3. The Heart Wants What It Wants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Carmilla is fine cutie, we’re in street attire.”

“Laura! Breakfast is ready!” 

 

Laura sighed heavily and threw off the sheets engulfing her.

 

Clicking her phone on to check the time, Laura saw two messages waiting for her.

 

 **Unknown** **number** Hey sweetie! It’s Perry. How was your first week at Silas?

 

 **Unknown** **number** I hope you don’t mind...Laf gave me your number.

 

 _Of_ _course_.

 

 **Laura** Hey Perry! My first week has gone well, thank you.

 

 **Laura** No, I don’t mind that Laf gave you my number. Though they should know they’re on their own for the next lab...

 

 **Lafontaine** I couldn’t resist! You know me.

 

Laura rolled her eyes and shook her head.

 

 **Laura** Yes, I’m very aware of the hold she has over you.

 

 **Lafontaine** :|

 

 **Laura** Kidding Laf

 

 **Lafontaine** good

 

Laura sat her phone back down on the side table and shuffled into the bathroom for a shower.

* * *

“Kettle’s on if you want to make yourself some cocoa,” Sherman said from behind a newspaper. 

 

Laura hummed in response and pulled out a packet from the cabinet above the stove.

 

After making her drink and sitting at the opposite end of the table from her father, Laura began giggling.

 

Sherman set the paper down and raised his eyebrows, “Something funny?”

 

Laura made a vague motion to the newspaper.

 

“The cover story,” she said through a laugh.

 

Sherman flipped the paper over and read the article headline, “Community bands together to find stolen bicycle.”

 

He started to laugh along with Laura.

 

“I think the most tame headline I saw on your papers back in California was ‘Missing child found in the confines of ex-husband’s home’,” Laura said in her best impression of a reporter.

 

The two continued to laugh with each other and Laura found herself missing times when every morning would be like this.

No awkward silence or stilted conversation. Just this.

 

Laura missed her father.

 

“You still want to be a reporter?” Sherman asked through a smile as he sipped his coffee.

 

“Journalist,” Laura corrected.

 

“Right. Journalist.”

 

Laura took a drink of her cocoa, “Well, I need to declare a major soon and I think that’s what I’ll choose.”

 

“You think?”

 

Laura nodded, “I know.”

 

Sherman smiled warmly and Laura reflected the gesture.

 

“Well. I’ve got to get to work honey. Do you have any plans for today?”

 

Laura nodded, “I have some homework to do. I was also thinking of trying out that coffee shop a few blocks over.”

 

 _I_ _overheard_ _a_ _few_ _students_ _saying_ _professor_ _Karnstein_ _frequents_ _there..._

 

“As long as you bring your bear spray,” he said with a pointed finger.

 

“Of course, Dad.”

* * *

The coffee shop was made up mostly of exposed brick and dim lights; paintings ranging from wall murals to portraits of historical figures and musicians lining the perimeter. 

 

Alternate rock and acoustic indie played softly and was accented by the quiet conversation of customers with their respective drinks.

 

 _I_ _can_ _see_ _why_ _she_ _comes_ _here_ _often_. _This_ _place_ _practically_ _screams_ _Carmilla_.

 

The line before her grew shorter and shorter until she stood in front of the register.

 

“Hi,” Laura said with a kind smile.

 

“Hey there,” the barista mirrored the smile, “What can I get for you?”

 

“I didn’t see it on your menu...but do you make hot chocolate?”

 

The barista smirked, “I’m sure we can manage that tall order.”

 

Laura’s smile grew big enough to show her teeth; eyes shining bright.

 

“Really? Thanks! I mean I know you’re a barista so you could probably make it really easily but it’s not on your menu so it’s really nice that you would go out of your way just so-“

 

“Woah there,” the barista said through a chuckle, “Breathe.”

 

Laura shook her head and ran a hand through her hair, “Sorry. I do that sometimes.”

 

“Don’t apologize. It was cute,” she said while grabbing a ceramic white mug out from behind the counter.

 

Laura flushed a deep red and cleared her throat, “How, uh, how much do I owe you?”

 

“On the house,” she said, “But I’d love to know your name.”

 

Laura sputtered before thrusting her hand forward, “Laura.”

 

The barista took the hand before her into a firm handshake, “Levi. Nice to meet you Laura.”

 

“Y-you too.”

 

The two shared a smile before Laura dropped Levi’s hand and stepped out of line with a small squeal.

 

 _Did_ _that_ _barista_ _just_ _hit_ _on_ _me?_ _God_ _I_ _love_ _Canadians_.

 

“Quite the Casanova you are, eh?” Came a low voice behind her.

 

Laura was suddenly very aware of why she came here in the first place.

 

The student turned around to be met with a challenging smirk.

 

“P-professor Karnstein. Hi.”

 

Carmilla shook her head, “Carmilla is fine cutie, we’re in street attire.”

 

 _Boy_ _is_ _she_ _ever_.

 

Carmilla wore black leather pants and a white loose fitting long sleeve Kurta. She was the perfect picture of easy elegance; ever composed.

 

Laura nodded in a slight daze, “Carmilla.”

 

The professor’s smirk grew as she stepped closer and leaned past Laura to get the steaming mug of black coffee resting on the counter.

 

Laura froze the moment she brushed past her; the scent of pine and leather filling her senses.

 

Carmilla leaned back but was now noticeably closer.

 

“Come here often?”

 

Laura opened and closed her mouth twice before saying, “No. First time actually.”

 

Carmilla hummed and sipped her coffee, “What brings you here today then?”

 

 _You_.

 

Carmilla’s eyebrows nearly disappeared into her hairline and Laura realized she might have just said that out loud.

 

“You...know. Coffee! Coffee, you know,” she laughed stilted and nervous, “Coffee.”

 

Carmilla’s eyebrows slowly began to settle again, “Right. Who can resist the allure of coffee.”

 

“Exactly!”

 

The professor chuckled and shook her head, “Well, I’m going to go grab a table before the evening crowd takes them all. Feel free to join me when you get your _hot_ _chocolate_.”

 

“O-Okay. Sure,” she mumbled in response as she watched Carmilla’s form climb the stairs to the second floor.

 

“Laura!” She snapped her gaze away from the stairs and to Levi standing behind the counter with a mug in her hands.

 

“Oh! Sorry,” she rushed out, reaching her hands forward to take the outstretched mug.

 

“You’ve got a little...” Levi motioned toward Laura’s mouth. The student ran her thumb there and found a small drop of drool.

 

“Uh...right. Well, thanks Levi!”

 

“No problem, Laura. Don’t be a stranger,” she said before going back to the multitude of machines behind the counter. 

 

Laura glances up at the second floor debating whether to join Carmilla or do the work that said professor had assigned.

 

 _I_ _guess_ _Selena_ _was_ _right_ _when_ _she_ _said_ _the heart wants what it wants..._

 


	4. You’re Excused

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self harm

 

“Mornin’ Honey,” Sherman said as he poured coffee into a thermos.

Laura’s father always drank his coffee from the mug Laura made him in third grade.

“What’s going on Dad?”

 

Sherman sighed as he screwed the cap on to the thermos.

 

“I know I said we’d go hiking but they need extra uniforms at the station today.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“I’m sorry, sweetie. But you know I could use the extra shift,” Sherman patted her shoulder, “I made you some cocoa.”

 

“Thanks,” she said as she grabbed the mug.

 

“I’m-“

 

“It’s okay Dad, I know. I’ve got homework to do anyway.”

 

“Alrighty then. I’ll pick up something for dinner on my way home, okay?”

 

Laura nodded and took her cocoa up to her room.

 

* * *

 

Sitting on the lid of the toilet in the bathroom adjoining her room, Laura held a small razor blade in her hand. 

 

 _Who_ _do_ _you_ _think_ _you_ _are_ , _Laura?_

 _You really think things will ever go back to the way they were?_

_If mom couldn’t handle you what makes you think he can?_

 

Laura rolled up the sleeve of her flannel on her left arm quarter length and moved to rest the blade against her wrist.

 

_No one stays._

_No one will ever love you._

 

She pressed the blade to her skin and dragged a horizontal line across her wrist, leaving a trail of dark crimson blood behind.

 

Laura winced once before wiping up the blood with a piece of toilet paper and flushing it down.

 

_No one cares._

_Why the fuck are you even still here?_

 

* * *

 

 

“Ms. Hollis may I see you for a moment?”

Laura frowned slightly but made her way to Carmilla’s desk as everyone else left the class.

“Yes Professor Karnstein?”

Carmilla removed her reading glasses and leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms. She was wearing a black silk dress shirt and slacks. Her sleeves rolled up to quarter length. It was an intimidating position.

 

She studied Laura for a moment before asking,“Did you receive my assignment from last week?”

Laura blanched and looked away.

 

_Out of all the teachers to disappoint Hollis._

 

“Yes Professor.”

 

Carmilla nodded. “Did you leave it at home?”

Laura exhaled slowly and shook her head no.

“Would you like help? I understand you’re new to the material.”

 

_She’s trying to be helpful. She always acts so indifferent. But she’s kind._

 

“No thank you professor.”

Carmilla sighed and closed her eyes for a moment.

“The assignment was worth 50 points Ms. Hollis. This could be detrimental to your grade.”

Laura put her hands in her pockets.

“I know.”

Carmilla looked Laura in the eyes then. She felt as though her teacher could see into her soul in that moment. She wanted to tell her everything. But that would be problematic. Another thing she’d ruin.

“Okay. You’re excused.”

Laura didn’t know if that meant from their meeting or from her class.

Carmilla seemed to notice.

“You’re still in my course cutie,” she said with a small smile.

Laura nodded and left feeling the worst she had all semester.

 

 _I_ _can’t burden her too. I should just drop the class._


	5. May I Make You A Cup Of Tea?

 

Laura spent the entire weekend alone in her house while Sherman worked at the station.

 

Sometimes she would make too much cocoa for her own good and forgo actual meals.

 

Sometimes she would take an hour long shower just so she could cry in private even though she had the house to herself.

 

Most of the time she slept.

 

She’d participate in text conversation with Lafontaine and Perry every once in a while.

 

But most of the time she slept. And if she wasn’t sleeping she was in best wishing she could fall asleep. And never wake up.

 

Laura tried not to think about the work assignments she needed to complete. She didn’t have the willpower to do them let alone get out of bed really. She thought it could be considered twisted that maybe she hoped not doing her homework would make Carmilla pay more attention to her. Worry about her even.

 

_Fool. She doesn’t care about you._

 

Late into the night her father would get home from work and come up to her room to check on her. When she heard his footsteps coming up the stairs she would close her eyes and pretend to be sleeping. If Laura was supposed to feel guilty about that she didn’t. 

 

Objectively she knew this was self-destructive behavior but she couldn’t bring herself to do anything about it.

 

Checking the time felt like an accomplishment most days.

 

* * *

 

 

“Ms. Hollis do you have a moment?” Carmilla asked as everyone was leaving.

Laura nodded and made her way to the desk.

Carmilla got up from her chair and made her way to the Keurig in her room.

 

“May I make you a cup of tea?” She called.

 

“Please,” Laura replied.

 

After the tea brewed Carmilla walked back over and gave a mug to Laura, keeping one for herself. It was a cold day and Laura welcomed the warmth. She tried not to think about the way Carmilla’s fingers felt as they brushed against her own.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Carmilla just smiled in return.

They both leaned against the strong oak desk and sipped their drinks in a comfortable silence for some time.

 

“How are you adjusting to the new environment?”

 

Laura laughed lightly at the question, “If you’re referring to the perpetual period of snowfall and abnormally nice people, I’m not complaining.”

 

Carmilla smirked at the response.

 

“Were people not kind in California?”

 

Laura gave her an “I’ll let you figure that out” look before taking another sip of her tea.

 

“How are your parents adapting?”

 

Laura stopped drinking abruptly and sat up straight.

 

“My father is doing the best he can.”

 

Carmilla rested a hand on Laura’s lower back and conveyed with one look something that could never be said with words.

After seeming to notice the intimacy of the contact, Carmilla removed her hand.

 

“What’s your relationship with your father like?”

 

_Why is she asking me these things?_

 

“As to be expected I guess. Why are you so interested in my home life all of a sudden?” Laura asked as she set her mug down.

 

Carmilla refilled the hot water and gave her the cup back, fingers brushing again.

 

“You haven’t turn in your last five assignments Ms. Hollis. I have half a mind to be concerned.”

 

Laura scoffed and got up, pouring her tea out and grabbing her things.

 

“Ms. Hollis,” Carmilla sighed.

 

“Was this some kind of intervention? Did you think you could make me tea and poof I’m an open book?”

 

Carmilla stood, “No, that’s no-“

 

“I’m sorry professor, but I must be going.”

 

Laura threw her backpack over her shoulder and was halfway out the door when“Laura.”

She stood still and hated herself for getting chills from the way Carmilla said her name. 

Laura put her head against the wall and sighed defeatedly.

Carmilla closed the door then came up beside her. She rubbed Laura’s back up and down in an attempt to soothe her.

 

Laura turned around and felt herself being pulled into Carmilla’s arms.

 

She smelled like pine and leather. Felt like safety. Like home. She could feel Carmilla’s spine through her shirt and realized at that moment just how thin she was. Laura could easily feel almost all the bones in her body.

 

“You have to talk to someone, sweetheart. Even if that person isn’t me.”

 

Laura pulled back a little and came face to face with her professor. Her defined facial structure. Her strong jaw, soft skin, kind eyes...soft lips.

 

_Stop staring at her lips! Wait...was she staring at mine?_

 

Carmilla brushed a piece of hair behind Laura’s ear and left her hand there.

 

Laura moved her right hand to brush her fingers against a bit of Carmilla’s exposed skin under her shirt.

 

The professor closed her eyes so tight it looked painful. Then she stepped back quickly.

 

“Are you okay?” Laura asked.

 

She nodded then excused herself to use the restroom.

 

 _What have I done?_


	6. I Touch Myself

 

Laura noticed Carmilla making a point to avoid her in the next three class periods she had. It bothered her to no extent.

 

She felt like a fool for letting herself be vulnerable. For touching a teacher the way she did. So she spent the whole weekend finishing all her missing assignments in order to hopefully mend things. Hopefully.

 

When the lecture was finished and the class was given free time, Laura went up to Carmilla’s desk.

 

“Professor Karnstein?”

 

She looked up from a book and smiled softly.

 

“I uh - I finished that work I had missing.”

Laura put the stack of papers on the desk before her. 

 

Carmilla stitched her eyebrows together in mild confusion but answered, “Thank you, Ms. Hollis.”

 

The bell rang and students left the class in a hurry. The moment the last student closed the door Carmilla visibility stiffened. As if the notion of being alone with Laura made her uncomfortable.

 

“Are you okay?” Laura asked with a small voice, sticking her hands in her jean pockets.

 

Carmilla laughed cynically before saying, “Yeah.”

 

“You’re going to have to try harder if you think that’s going to convince me,” Laura replied, both women surprised by her boldness.

 

She stood from her desk and prepared to leave for the day. Packing her satchel, grabbing her keys, pulling on her leather jacket.

 

Laura was conflicted.

 

_Am I making her uncomfortable?_

 

“I’m sorry,” Carmilla said simply, shaking her head.

 

Laura laughed lightly, “You’re sorry?”

 

Carmilla turned out the main classroom lights until all that was left was a small desk lamp.

 

“Yes. I shouldn’t have...done what I did.”

 

Laura stuck a tentative hand out in front of Carmilla before she could open the door.

 

“Hey. Two guilty parties here,” she said gesturing between them both. Carmilla tried to hide the small smirk forming at her antics.

 

“Still,” she whispered in response.

 

Laura put herself in front of Carmilla, successfully keeping the teacher from fleeing the scene.

 

“What If,” she rushed before taking a breath, “...what if I liked it?”

 

Carmilla laughed and shook her head again.

 

“You’re young and know nothing.”

 

Laura grabbed her by the leather lapels of her jacket, “Teach me then.”

 

Carmilla pushed her against the door, pinning Laura in place with hands on her waist.

 

“I can’t.”

 

Laura discarded of her professor's jacket and ran a hand up the front of her body.

 

Carmilla whimpered against her own nature.

She closed her eyes and surrendered herself to the feeling of Laura. The feeling of her fingers running across every inch of skin she could find.

 

“Touch me,” Laura begged.

 

Carmilla winced and pushed Laura harder into the door before placing a thigh between her legs. Laura groaned lowly.

 

She looked the girl up and down, taking her in. Laura’s eyes were closed, hair matted against her forehead, breathing deeply.

 

Carmilla leaned in to place a soft kiss on her neck then brushed her nose across the expanse of her jugular.

 

She removed Laura’s cardigan slowly and dropped in next to them, now running her hands up and down her arms.

 

Carmilla rubbed her thigh against Laura center as the smaller girl panted, “Carm.”

 

She smirked at that before biting her earlobe and whispering, “That’s a new one.”

Laura blushed but said nothing.

 

Carmilla brought Laura’s arms over her head and pinned her wrists to the door. She continued to press light kisses against Laura’s neck before brushing her nose against Laura’s. The younger girl opened her eyes to see Carmilla’s lust filled whiskey irises.

 

She leaned forward slightly only for Carmilla to use her other hand to lightly push her back.

She was about to connect their lips when the hand on Laura’s wrist felt something peculiar.

 

She drew back to pull her arms down for observation.

 

Laura was confused until she saw what Carmilla was now running her fingers over.

 

“Oh, Laura,” she breathed.

 

Cold, delicate fingertips traced the horizontal lines on her wrists.

 

Laura turned away and put her sweater back on.

She wanted to leave. Needed to leave.

 

_She can’t see me like this._

 

Laura opened the door in an attempt to leave when a firm hand grabbed her arm.

 

“Laura.”

 

 _Curse_ _Carmilla_ _Karnstein_ _and_ _her_ _stupid_ _seductive_ _voice_.

 

She turned around to see a pair of warm brown eyes pleading her to stay.

 

“I’m sorry,” Laura whispered before pulling away and running out of the building.

 

Carmilla cursed under her breath and grabbed her things, ready to spend the night drinking herself into oblivion.

 

* * *

Laura needed to blow off some steam after the day she had. Luckily she knew just the guy to help her out. 

 

 

“Hey, I’m gonna go say hey to a few bros...you good by yourself for a second?”

 

Laura nodded with a small smile, “Yeah. Thanks again Kirsch.”

 

“Anything for a hottie,” she said with a wink before making his way through the light crowd and to the back of the bar.

 

Laura exhaled audibly and sipped her beer hesitantly; not loving the bitter taste.

 

“How you doing there little one?” A charming young man with dark brown hair and a toothy grin asked from behind the bar.

 

Laura grunted, “I’m not _that_ small.”

 

“No, no. Not that small. Underage though? Definitely.”

 

Laura’s face went ghostly pale and her grip on the bottle tightened to the point of white knuckles.

 

“I-I have an ID!” She sputtered helplessly.

 

The man chuckled softly and shook his head, “Calm down kid. You’re not in trouble.”

 

Laura’s eyebrows showed clear suspicion, “I’m not?”

 

“No,” he started before turning his head and pointing the stage where a performer was setting up, “kitty over there pointed you out to me. Said not to kick you out but to cap it at one beer. I’ve got a license to keep you know.”

 

Laura looked over to where the bartender was pointing and her breath caught in her throat when she recognized the performer.

 

A woman with combat boots, ripped jeans and a black leather jacket bent over checking the guitar amp with sure fingers. Her wavy dark brown hair fell in front of her face but Laura would recognize that figure anywhere.

 

 _Holy_ _crapsticks_. _Carmilla_.

 

“I...”

 

The bartender laughed under his breath, “Yeah she tends to have that affect of people.”

 

“Sorry?”

 

“Nothing. Anyway. One beer is all tonight, okay _Miss_ _Hollis_?” His mouth pulled into a mischievous smirk when he tacked on the pleasantry.

 

Laura tried her best to suppress the blush coming on by clearing her throat.

 

“How do you know Ms....uh...Carmilla?” She ventured carefully.

 

“Oh, Kitty? That little disaster waiting to happen is my sister. The only good thing to come from mummy dearest if you ask me...”

 

Laura didn’t know whether or not to be angry about how he called Carmilla a ‘disaster waiting to happen’, but she was now too distracted by the comment about her mother to defend her.

 

“I’m sorry, what?”

 

As he was about to answer the strum of a guitar interrupted his thoughts.

 

“Speak of the devil,” he murmured with a grin as he turns to serve another costumer.

 

Laura was about to flag him back so he’d finish the story but then more strums made their way through the acoustics of the bar and all Laura could think of was Carmilla.

 

She sat on a metal bar stool, one boot resting on the ground and the other on a leg of the chair. A crimson red acoustic/electric guitar sat on her raised thigh and her deft fingers held a white pic gently.

 

Then, after she’d deemed herself sufficiently warmed up Laura assumed, Carmilla began strumming the opening chords to a song she didn’t recognize.

 

“Huh,” the bartender huffed.

 

“What?” Laura asked, unable to move her gaze away from Carmilla.

 

“This isn’t the song she’s supposed to play tonight.”

 

Laura was about to ask what he meant when a smooth, gravelly voice sang softly into the mic.

 

“I love myself, I want you to love me,”

 

 _You’ve_ _got_ _to_ _be_ _kidding_ _me_.

 

It took Laura a moment to recognize the song because of the acoustic cover but the second she hard Carmilla’s voice she knew exactly what it was. This song was practically her gay awakening for goodness sake. _I_ _Touch_ _Myself_ by Divinyls.

 

“When I feel down, I want you above me

I search myself, I want you to find me

I forget myself, I want you to remind me...”

 

Carmilla looked up from the frets of the guitar, long hair falling away from her dark eyes where it shielded them before, and she looked directly at Laura. The contact caused Laura’s eyes to grow wider and her breathing to stop as Carmilla sang the chorus; staring at her the whole time.

 

“I don't want anybody else

When I think about you, I touch myself

Ooh, I don't want anybody else

Oh no, oh no, oh no...”

 

Laura was absolutely certain that this was what an aneurysm felt like. She could’ve dropped dead right then and been perfectly content with herself so long as she was looking at Carmilla and listening to her voice. 

 

“I close my eyes and see you before me

Think I would die if you were to ignore me

A fool could see just how much I adore you

I'd get down on my knees, I'd do anything for you..” 

 

Carmilla broke contact to close her eyes and breathe deeply before singing,

 

“I don't want anybody else

When I think about you, I touch myself

Ooh, I don't want anybody else

Oh no, oh no, oh no...”

 

Her eyes remained closed even after she finished for a few moments while the entire bar erupted in loud praise.

 

Then she looked at Laura. Really looked at Laura.

 

They were at least ten feet away but Laura could swear there was nothing in between them in that room.

 

Then someone was putting a hand on her shoulder and she whipped her head around to find the culprit.

 

“What a show that was, huh? Boy was she sexy...” he trailed off doe eyed and nearly drooling.

 

“Kirsch,” Laura glared pointedly at him.

 

“Right, sorry. How’re things going Laura?”

 

Laura didn’t allow her mind to think back to the performance. She wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to come back from that dreamscape if she did.

 

“Good. Good. Great even!”

 

Kirsch raised his eyebrows but the smile never left his face.

 

“Okay then. Need anything?”

 

Laura nodded “no” so Kirsch gave an “okay” and went back to the booth to rejoin his friends. 

 

Laura turned back to look at the stage and sighed when the the stool was unoccupied and the speakers were silent.

 

Nursing her hardly touched beer, Laura wondered how in the world she was going to even be in the same room as Carmilla again. Let alone the same classroom. As her student.

 

 _Gay_ _awakening_ , _meet_ _gay_ _Armageddon_.

 

When a hand was on her shoulder again, Laura turned around with “What Kirsch?” on her tongue but it quickly died when she saw the man before her indeed was not the frat boy.

 

“Is this ‘Kirsch’ your boyfriend?” The man before her asked. He was at least twenty nine Laura estimated by the age of his skin and the full beard her wore proudly.

 

“No. Sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

 

 _Stupid_ _Hollis_. _You_ _should’ve_ _said_ _yes_.

 

“Good. Wouldn’t want anyone to get in the way of a good night now, would we?”

 

Laura’s faced displayed clear confusion, “Pardon?”

 

The man took a step forward and into Laura’s space. His breath smelled of beer and something stale. His hand still on her shoulder felt controlling and warm from sweat.

 

“Why don’t you and I get out of here, huh?”

 

Laura moved to get off the stool but his hand kept her there.

 

“Um, no thank you sir. I’m actually waiting for someone.”

 

He gave her a filthy smirk, “Just tell’er you found someone to keep you company. I’m sure she’ll understand.”

 

Laura grimaced as he stepped closer, “That’s okay, really. I need to go find her now that you mention it. She’s been gone for a while.”

 

He grunted and tightened his grip on her shoulder to the point of pain.

 

“Come on. I know you want it. Let’s just get out of here.”

 

“Sir, I really-“

 

“I believe she said no,” came a level, authoritative voice.

 

Laura turned her head to see Carmilla beside her, eyes frighteningly cold and hard.

 

“She didn’t mean it. Right babe?” The man asked with an encouraging smile. The sight made both women sick to their stomach.

 

“She said **no** ,” Carmilla said with a tone she’d never heard the woman use before. It was dark and it was threatening. And unwavering.

 

She took a step forward until she was partially in front of Laura and stared at the man. Laura couldn’t see her face but whatever she did seemed to work. He let his grip on her shoulder go and moved back out of her personal space.

 

“Tease,” he spat before storming out of the bar.

 

Carmilla took a deep breath before turning to look at Laura. Her hard stare immediately turning to a warm and concerned one when she saw the look on her face.

 

“Laura?” She cautioned, voice slightly hoarse from how she used it moments ago.

 

Laura remained completely still; face unreadable.

 

“Laura, sweetheart. He’s gone. Can you talk to me?”

 

The student tried to speak but all she could remember was his hand and his breath and it was bringing back unwanted memories she’d locked away years ago.

 

She opened her mouth but nothing came out.

 

“I think we could both use some fresh air. Can you walk with me?”

 

Laura nodded slowly and raised her fingers as an invitation. More like a plead.

 

Carmilla slid her hand under Laura’s and gripped her hand gently.

 

After a moment in which Carmilla held her breath the whole time, Laura’d managed to stand and move to the professor’s side.

 

Carmilla rested the fingers of her left hand on the bicep of the hand she was holding with her other.

 

The two walked out into the cool night; chill wind sobering them both some.

 

“Thank you,” Laura almost whispered.

 

Carmilla hummed in response and ran her thumb over the student’s bicep lightly.

 

After finding a nearby wooden bench on a patch of grass, Carmilla lead them to sit. Still hand in hand.

 

They sat in a comfortable silence and enjoyed the ambient sounds of the after hours city. Couples talking quietly as they strolled down the sidewalks, taxis and cars driving down the streets not far from them. Soft music coming from the 24 hour coffee shop down the street.

 

“You’re beautiful,” Laura said.

 

Carmilla nearly choked on her own saliva.

 

“You’re voice! You’re voice is beautiful I mean,” she corrected herself.

 

Carmilla laughed softly and shook her head good naturedly. Laugh joined with a slightly nervous laugh herself. 

 

Then Carmilla turned her head slightly in order to look Laura in the eyes and smile kindly. She rubbed her thumb over Laura’s bicep again before asking, “Are you alright cutie?”

 

Laura exhaled fully and thought about how she could possibly respond to such a broad question without giving herself away.

 

“You mean because of back in there? Yeah. I’m alright,” Carmilla opened her mouth with what was obviously a challenge so Laura interrupted with, “Are you alight? You kind of Jedi mind tricked that guy back there.”

 

Carmilla grinned at the student’s antics, “persuasion comes in many forms Miss Hollis.”

 

Laura frowned, “Back to Miss Hollis are we?”

 

Carmilla averted her gaze, “I am your professor in case you’ve forgotten.”

 

Laura huffed, “I definitely haven’t forgotten,” Laura gestures to Carmilla’s pants, “I just figured with the ripped jeans and _I_ _Touch_ _Myself_ , we’d be on a first name basis for at least the night.”

 

Carmilla smirked, “Seems reasonable enough to me.”

 

Laura moved her right hand to rest over the fingers Carmilla had on her bicep.

 

The professor’s hands were delicate and cold; much unlike the man’s from earlier. His were sweaty and possessing and hers we gentle but sure. Laura could feel a faint heartbeat between their intertwined fingers; the grip was tight enough. It grounded her.

 

Laura never wanted to let go.

 

“Laura, if I may?”

 

The student nodded once.

 

“A moment ago, after I’d asked you if you were alright, you had to clarify that I was referring to what happened in the bar. What else would I have been talking about?”

 

Laura gave a short cynical chuckle.

 

“Of course you caught onto that.”

 

The student looked over and instead of dictating the conversation, Carmilla simply looked at her with an open expression; giving her the option whether or not to continue.

 

“Goodness little lady, you had me totally freaking out back there. I thought I lost you! I would’ve totally lost my dudescort rights.”

 

Carmilla immediately stiffened and hardened her gaze until Laura turned to Kirsch, reaching her fingers behind her to find the professor’s hand. She held her hand behind her back and out of Kirsch’s sight.

 

“Hey Kirsch. I was just out here with-“

 

“The super hot chick from the bar, right?”

 

Carmilla’s grip on Laura’s hand tighten so she cut in with, “Carmilla. Her name is Carmilla. She’s a...friend”, she said looking back at her professor. The glint in Carmilla’s eyes told Laura she said the right thing.

 

“Okay. Well anyway all the bros are heading out so are you ready to go?”

 

Before she could answer Carmilla whispered into her ear, “I can give you a ride if you’d like. No carpooling with frat boys then.”

 

She couldn’t help the shiver and snicker at her professor’s words.

 

“Thanks Kirsch but I’m going to get a ride with Carmilla. Consider yourself off duty for the night.”

 

“Well okay then little lady. Scary...hottie. I’ll see you around,” he waved and turned to walk away until he joined his fraternity brothers.

 

“What a gentleman,” Carmilla deadpanned.

 

Laura chuckled with a wide grin, “He’s just a harmless puppy. Same amount of brain cells too if my calculations are correct.”

 

Carmilla smiled genuinely at Laura’s behavior and stood, reaching out a hand.

 

“M’Lady, your chariot awaits,” she emphasized with a light British accent and short bow.

 

“I guess chivalry isn’t dead after all.”

 

 

 

 


	7. Every Detail That Made Carmilla Carmilla

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: depiction of self harm

Carmilla was a bit worried when Laura didn’t come to class the next day but eventually chalked it up to Laura just avoiding her. 

She gave a lecture then spent the rest of the period working on her novella. But the more she wrote the more she noticed how much her protagonist resembled Laura and had to stop herself. She shoved the paper in a desk drawer and checked the university attendance catalog. 

 

_She hasn’t been to any of her classes. It’s not just me._

 

The amount of worry Carmilla experienced before had more than doubled now that she knew.

 

* * *

 

“Why Carmilla, how lovely of you to join us.” Came an awfully cheerful voice. All eyes were on her as Carmilla entered the staff lounge during lunch break. 

 

She glanced at the open seat at the round table before her, thinking about the cavalcade of germs she was about to touch. Seated at the table was Danny, Mel, and Elsie. 

 

“I’m not here for pleasantries,” she said, sitting down.

 

“Then why are you here?” Danny asked. Carmilla noticed a shift under the table and figured Elsie shoved the red head at the question. 

 

“I’m here out of concern for a student.” 

The mood shifted at the admission and the other teachers were now more attentive. 

 

“Laura.” Danny said without question. 

Carmilla couldn’t help the way her heart dropped at the knowledge. That Laura was clearly troubled, not just in her own class. 

 

“Ms. Hollis, yes.”

 

Danny adjusted her posture. 

 

“What do you want to know?”

 

Carmilla mulled it over for a moment. She wanted to know a lot of things about Laura Hollis, but priority was necessary.

 

“Has she been exhibiting...abnormal behavior lately?” 

 

Mel scoffed, “She’d have to show up for me to notice.” 

 

The other two nodded in agreement. Seemingly sullen. 

 

“I’m new here. Which leaves me at a disadvantage. I don’t exactly have full access to teacher gossip. You three clearly know something that I don’t.” 

 

Elsie rolled her sleeves back and seemed to question what she was about to do.

“Like you said Carmilla; you’re new here. But I feel as though it would be best for you to hear from Laura herself. Some stories just aren’t yours to tell.” 

 

The other two nodded again and stayed silent. 

“Mercí,” Carmilla said before standing and walking out of the lounge. Before she could make it around the corner though a hand grabbed her arm. 

 

“Lawrence?” Carmilla tried to pull her arm out of the red head’s grasp. 

 

“Look. I know we aren’t friends. Just listen, okay?”

The English professor stood stoic and untouchable, nodding slowly.

 

“Laura’s every teacher’s dream student. And the student every teacher hopes they never get. Do you understand what I’m saying?” 

 

Carmilla stiffened, “If you’re insinuating what I think you are-“

 

“I’m not insinuating anything. I’m just saying that she’s easy to pay special attention to. I’m the TA, remember?“ 

 

“I remember.” Carmilla grumbled. 

 

“Just watch yourself, Karnstein. I don’t have enough willpower for the both of us.” 

With a sigh Danny turned and headed back towards the lounge. Carmilla stood still, soaking up what she’d just learned. If anything, the professor was sure of one thing. Laura Hollis would most definitely be the death of her. 

 

She was royally screwed. 

 

* * *

 

Making her way down a cement path to the main office, Carmilla reveled in the feeling of crisp Autumn air filling her lungs. Fall was always her favorite time of the year. Everything was in transition. The non-committal season. 

As she pulled the heavy glass door open the professor could instantly tell they’d been running the heater. It was a stark difference from the cool temperature outside. 

She gave a curt not to the secretary and gestured in the direction of the mail room as she made her way there. Carmilla was sifting through the various board letters in her cubby when she overheard a conversation she couldn’t willingly ignore. 

 

“I’m here to pick up my absent work? I called this morning.”

 

A pause.

 

“Yes, of course Ms. Hollis. Just one moment.” 

 

Carmilla could imagine the small smile that likely accompanied, “Thank you Mrs. Gilbert.” 

 

The professor debated whether or not to hide out in the mail room until she left. 

 

_You’re an adult Karnstein. Act like one._

 

Carmilla took a steady breath and made her way back to the main desk, mail in hand. She was mid way through reading a seemingly professional letter from the Dean’s office when suddenly all of her mail was on the ground. She’d walked right into Laura as the younger girl turned around. 

 

“My goodness, I’m so sorry....Carmilla?” She cleared her throat, “Professor Karnstein.” 

 

They both kneeled down to collect the mail. Carmilla glanced around to make sure no one else was in sight before focusing her gaze on Laura. The student was visibly shaken and was quickly trying to gather up all the envelopes she could. 

 

“Laura.”

 

Laura stopped and kept her gaze on the ground. Carmilla hesitantly reached out and brushed her fingers against her student’s hand. They made eye contact then. Carmilla’s gaze was soft and concerned. Laura’s eyes were bloodshot and her gaze was unfocused. 

 

“Excuse me professor. I have to get home.”

 

Laura stood and collected her work from the desk before heading for the entrance. 

Carmilla hurriedly stuffed the mail into her long coat pocket before standing and beating Laura to the door. 

 

“Pro-“

 

“I have an assignment you missed. In my room. If you follow me there I can retrieve it for you Ms. Hollis.” She glanced at the secretary and relaxed partly at seeing her on the phone in conversation. 

 

“I don’t t-“

 

“Please.”

 

Laura’s posture slackened some as she resigned.

Carmilla released a small sigh of relief and held the door open for her student.

They walked side by side on the way back to her classroom, bodies so close on the slim path their hands brushed every few seconds. Carmilla tried to ignore the way her breath caught at each moment of contact. 

Laura shivered but played it off quickly by clearing her throat. Carmilla scolded herself for giving a damn and pulled off her coat, putting it around Laura’s shoulders. The smaller girl flinched at the unexpected gesture and her mouth opened partly, about to protest. 

 

“You need it more than I do,” Carmilla said plainly as a way of explanation. 

 

Laura didn’t say anything and put her arms through the sleeves, enjoying the warmth it provided. She made a point to ignore how it smelled like Carmilla. 

 

“What is this assignment anyway? It wasn’t in the curriculum.” Laura murmured. 

 

“Ever the curious one, aren’t you?” Laura gave her an unimpressed look. “Just wait and see.” She added. Laura huffed but said no more.

 

_Yeah Karnstein, what is the assignment? **Fuck.**_

 

When arriving Carmilla closed the door behind them and Laura stiffened noticeably. 

 

“Would you prefer it opened?”

 

Laura shook her head no but didn’t relax any. Carmilla tried not to take it personally. 

The professor motioned to her coffee machine as a way of asking  _‘tea?’_  but Laura shook her head again. 

 

“I have to be home soon. My dad will be expecting me.” 

 

Carmilla nodded, “Of course.” 

The professor moved to her desk and pulled out a blank piece of paper, writing something down before folding it twice. She made her way back to Laura. 

When the girl raised an eyebrow Carmilla said, “It’s a question I’d like you to answer. The response could be done however you’d like. Paper, in person, so fourth. You can do it at home,” Carmilla tacked on the last part when Laura was going to unfold it. She nodded instead. 

 

“I should be getting home now...” Laura said as she held Carmilla’s gaze. The professor sighed.

 

“How are you getting there?” Carmilla asked, gathering her things.

 

“I rode my bike over.” 

 

The professor nodded before peaking through the blinds outside.

 

“Well. Unless you’re planning on riding home in  **that**  I’d recommend you let me give you a lift.”

 

Laura looked confused before glancing outside herself. 

 

_Of course Mother Nature chose this moment to ball her eyes out._

 

“I couldn’t ask that of you.”

 

Carmilla turned out her lights and opened the door, “You’re not. I’m offering.”

 

Laura had half the mind to look conflicted before breathing out a quiet, “Okay.” 

 

“We’ll go get your bike so I can put it in my trunk.”

 

Laura scoffed, “No need. That thing is probably as rusty as it could get. I’ll just get it Monday.” 

 

“It’s no trou-“

 

“I just want to go home Carmilla.” 

 

She looked at Laura in that moment. **Really** looked at her. The girl’s clothes were wrinkled and her eyes were framed by dark circles; irises red and pleading. Her lips were dry and chapped. Her breathing was delayed and her skin ghostly pale. Carmilla’s coat was the only thing that seemed to be holding her fragile body in place.

 

“Laura,” she breathed. 

 

The student’s gaze landed on her shoes. 

“Please take me home.” 

 

“Okay,” Carmilla rested a hand on Laura’s lower back and gently guided her out of the room before turning around to lock it. 

 

“I’m just this way,” she said, placing her fingers lightly against her lower back again. She felt as though without contact the girl before her might float away. Or sink to the ground. 

 

“A Subaru. Must you be such a stereotype?”

 

Carmilla laughed lightly at the jab as she opened the passenger door for Laura. 

 

“Be kind or I’ll charge you a fair,” she joked back.

Laura smiled genuinely at the comment and nothing had ever made Carmilla feel warmer. 

 

“What happened to the motorbike?”

 

She settled into the driver’s seat and turned the heater on along with the radio. Alternative rock filtered through the speakers softly. 

 

“I, like any functioning member of society would, checked the weather this morning.” 

 

They managed to make it the whole way to Laura’s house without speaking. Stolen glances (both chose to pretend they didn’t see) aside. 

Carmilla put the car into park and rested her hand on the gear. Neither made a move to leave. 

Neil Young could be heard and the heater had created a comfortable environment inside the car, rain hitting the windows outside violently. 

 

“I should give you your coat back.”

 

Carmilla looked at her. 

 

“Keep it until Monday?” 

 

Laura nodded gratefully and snuggled into the piece of clothing more, moving her gaze to study the rain outside. 

 

Carmilla nearly choked on her own saliva when she felt a warm hand rest over hers on the gear shift. It was hesitant and gentle and way too tender to keep the professor’s heart beating at a normal pace. 

 

Carmilla looked up at Laura who was still looking out the window seemingly unaware of the effect her movement was having on her teacher. 

 

“To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity.” Laura’s hand laid dormant on Carmilla’s as she spoke. 

 

“Kierkegaard,” Carmilla whispered in disbelief.

 

Laura finally turned to face the professor; their eyes meeting. 

 

“Laura...” Carmilla wasn’t often at a loss for words. Literature and philosophy were her majors after all. She was completely frozen in this moment - the one moment she would give anything to not be catatonic in. 

 

Laura shook her head and shifted her whole body towards Carmilla. She pulled the brunette’s hand off the gear and held it in her own. 

 

“Laura, I-“

 

She shook her head again as a way to stop Carmilla from saying whatever she was about to say. 

 

Laura looked down at their hands. A contrast of cold and warm. Pale and tan. Weathered and untouched. Her chest cracked open then and she couldn’t bare the vulnerability of the moment.  

 

She had to leave. So she did. Laura let go of the hand in hers, ignoring how awful it felt to lose its rightful companion, and opened the door. 

She was half way to her porch when Carmilla finally gained her bearings. She went to open her door but as she stepped outside Laura was already gone. 

 

* * *

 

 

Laura didn’t bother turning on any lights in the house considering it was just herself. She forced herself to climb the stairs to the second floor and into her room. Laura closed the door behind her, turned on her bedside lamp, and slowly sat on her mattress. She discarded her coat and hung it over the end of the bed to dry before she remembered the assignment. Laura sighed and pulled out the piece of paper Carmilla had given to her, studying it for a moment before opening it.

 

Laura’s breath caught and her knuckles tightened their grip around the edges of the paper. She scoffed and tore up the offensive parchment, throwing it in the bin by her bed. 

 

She turned out the lamp and laid back on her mattress, staring at the ceiling above her. 

Laura ran the question over in her mind. 

 

_‘Are you okay?’_

 

* * *

 

 

When Laura woke her bedside clock read 4:36 AM.

 

She sighed at her unnatural sleep cycle and got out of bed, thankful it was Saturday. 

Entering her personal restroom connected to her bedroom, Laura stopped before getting in the shower to look at her trash bin. The memory of what was torn up inside resurfaces. She turns back around and instead of getting in the shower opens the medicine cabinet to grab a small jewelry box. Inside the box is a small blade which her fingers retrieve cautiously. 

 

_I’m fine Ms. Karnstein._

 

Laura shut the door and went to lock it but forgot her father had previously removed all of the locks in their house. She sighed and sat on her toilet, blade in hand, and rolled up the sleeve on her left arm quarter length. _‘Are you okay?’_ ran through her mind again. Laura could practically hear Carmilla’s husky voice asking the question. 

She imagined dark lustrous hair being freed from a motorcycle helmet as Laura slowly dragged the metal horizontally across her wrist. She gasped at the sensation of both pain and pleasure. Pleasure of feeling something. Something besides whatever she felt for Carmilla that is. 

Allowing her thoughts to center around Carmilla created a profound sense of guilt. Guilt over doing exactly what her professor thought she was doing. Guilt over allowing herself to put Carmilla in this position. The position that was inevitable should she have chosen to pursue her feelings. And she had.

 

The familiar sound of keys jingling and a doorknob turning caused Laura to mutter a “Fuck.”

 

“Honey, I’m home!” 

 

Laura scoffed at the predictability of her father. 

She quickly washed off the blade and put it back in its respective spot before undressing and starting the shower. Her father had just gotten back from a two day shift at the station so he wouldn’t likely come up for at least twenty minutes to check on her. 

Before he could get worried as he usually did Laura shouted that she was jumping in the shower.

 

 As the water washed the blood away Laura allowed her thoughts to drift back to Carmilla. To her sharp wit. Her cold aloofness. Her **warmth**. Her perfectly sculpted jaw and skillfully shaped eyebrows. The way she carried herself and the way she spoke to people. The way she spoke to Laura. How when Carmilla held her Laura could feel both safe, at home, and deeply saddened at the same time. How she could smell leather and pine when her head nuzzled her neck and how she could feel nearly every bone in her body as she pulled Carmilla closer. 

Every detail that made Carmilla  **Carmilla** did laps around her brain until it became too overwhelming and Laura turned off the water. 

 

_What the hell am I going to do?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to share your thoughts - whether you're terribly confused or enjoy the writing for some...mysterious reason.


	8. Fast & Furious

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Laura gets intimate with her professor’s sofa.

Carmilla sits down at her desk Monday morning with a cup of coffee and a rather painful headache. Every movement proved to be difficult and her vision was too unfocused for her liking. The bell rang and the professor groaned, rubbing her temple and taking a sip of coffee.

 

“Opted for the motorcycle today I see, teach?”

 

Carmilla winced unnoticeably.

 

“How observant,” She grunted which earned a smirk from Lafontaine.

 

“Leave the professor alone Lafontaine,” scolded Perry who’d decided to drop in for a bit as she shoved them into their seat.

 

As students began to file in Carmilla couldn’t help but watch the door in hopes she’d see a certain one. And she did.

 

Moments before the late bell rang Laura Hollis burst through the door in a mad dash to her seat. In retrospect she probably knew Carmilla wouldn’t mark her tardy, but her attempt was appreciated nonetheless.

 

“What’s with the Fast and Furious audition tape, Hollis?” Lafontaine cracked a wry smile.

 

“Slept in late,” Laura responded.

 

“Through half the day?”

 

Laura couldn’t think of a rebuttal fast enough so she opted to stay silent.

 

“You alright Laura?” She looked to her right to see Danny looking at her with soft eyes and a small smile.

 

“I’m okay, Danny. Thank you.”

 

“On the other hand Ms. K looks a little worse for wear,” Lafontaine knitted their eyebrows together.

 

Danny and Laura both looked over to their professor whom was noticeably despondent.

 

“I’ll go,” Danny declared like she was Braveheart.

 

Carmilla looked up to the redhead as she approached her desk.

 

“Everything okay Karnstein?”

 

Carmilla nodded and gave a curt nod, “Yes, fine.”

 

“I mean, I could do the lesson today if you’re not feeling well.”

 

Carmilla mulled it over for a few seconds before sighing. “If you could that would be great Danny.”

 

The redhead smiled brightly, “That’s what TA’s are for, eh?”

 

Carmilla just hummed in response and gave Danny the reading material for the day.

 

* * *

 

 

Half way through class Laura got up from her seat and bound to Carmilla’s desk with determination in her step.

 

“All done professor Karnstein,” she said as she placed her completed assignment beside Carmilla’s hand. She was close enough to her professor to notice how pallid her face was.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Laura scrunched her nose.

 

“What, no ‘can I see you after class Ms. Hollis?’”

 

Carmilla’s eyes jumped to Laura’s, “What’s caused this sudden change in behavior?”

 

Laura’s shoulders dropped.

 

“I just want things to go back to...whatever they were before now.”

 

Carmilla laughed humorlessly and said quietly, “I’m not sure that’s much better.”

 

“Yeah I guess you’re right.” Laura had half the mind to look offended as she walked away.

 

Carmilla groaned to herself at her terrible choice of words and rubbed her temples again.

 

When the bell for the day rang Laura was relieved and by the looks of it so was Carmilla.

 

Students began leaving the classroom when, “Laura?”

 

The student paused and looked over to her teacher who was eyeing a paper on her desk. No one seemed to take notice so Laura walked over to Carmilla’s desk as the last student left.

She crossed her arms over her chest and waited.

 

“I didn’t mean what I said earlier,” Carmilla said quietly. Laura sighed.

 

“Okay. Is that all?”

 

Carmilla looked up from her paper and removed her glasses, moving to stand.

 

“No, I-“ she suddenly lost her balance and stumbled forward. Laura’s quick reflexes allowed for Carmilla to fall into her embrace; strong arms holding her up.

 

“Whoa,” Laura grunted as she took on her professor’s body weight. Which was next to nothing.

 

“My apologies,” Carmilla said hazily as she tried to stand again. Laura kept hold of her arms and pushed her into her chair gently.

 

“What just happened?” Laura asked somewhat in a trance from the event that just occurred. Leather and pine filled her senses.

 

“Nothing to worry yourself over. Too much caffeine probably,” she said as she sunk into the chair.

 

“Have you eaten yet today?” Laura asked noticing how Carmilla’s bones were more prominent than usual under her shirt.

 

“Yes, of course,” she responded quickly.

 

Laura gave a doubtful expression and knelt before her teacher.

 

“Can we just put everything that’s happened in the past few weeks behind us for a moment?”

 

Carmilla nodded slowly. Laura smiled softly and rested a hand on her professor’s knee.

 

“You’re as pale as a ghost. And not the sexy we start making pottery together kind either.”

 

Carmilla laughed a little at the joke and felt her eyes getting heavier.

 

“Will you let me take you home?”

 

Carmilla shook her head, “I-“

 

“-Took your motorbike today, I know. But I drove my dad’s truck to school and I really don’t think you’re in any condition to be operating a vehicle. Let alone a motorbike.”

 

Carmilla sighed but breathed an, “Okay.”

 

Laura smiled and stood, reaching out her hand. Carmilla took it and did her best to stand without fault.

 

“Come on,” Laura soothed as she wrapped an arm around Carmilla’s waist and swung a leather clad one over her own shoulder, “Let’s get you home.”

 

* * *

 

Carmilla’s place wasn’t what Laura expected. Or maybe it was. Laura didn’t know exactly what she expected.

The flat was minimalist with dark grey tones and dim lights. A kitchen that looked as if it hadn’t been used in years and a living area that looked the same. Along the walls were many bookcases filled with texts that appeared to have been pulled from a dig site. Knowing Carmilla they probably were.

It was modestly sized and spacious. Conservative. Upon second glance Laura noticed there were no picture frames. Nothing on the fridge either. No people. No memories. She made a mental note to ask about that later.

 

Laura led Carmilla to the couch and sat her down carefully before going to get some water from the kitchen.

 

“Nice place,” She said as she handed her professor the glass. Carmilla took it gratefully and drank the water with haste.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Laura sat beside her and the two remained silent for some time. Carmilla seemed to be completely out of it and Laura was just trying to find the right words to say.

 

She grabbed Carmilla’s hand. That got the professor’s attention.

Laura ran her thumb lightly across the bony structure of her fingers.

 

“What’s going on?”

 

Carmilla focused on their hands and scoffed, “You’re always saving everyone else, but who’s saving you?”

 

Laura was taken back by the boldness of the question.

 

“I don’t need saving.”

 

Carmilla looked up at her, “You know that’s not what I meant.”

 

Laura looked away in the direction of the kitchen, “I see you’ve upgraded from a Keurig to a French press.”

 

“You’re deflecting.”

 

“So are you.”

 

The two went back to a comfortable silence again; hands still being held.

Carmilla’s apartment was easy to feel comfortable in. Easy to want to be silent in. _Or_ _was_ _it_ _just_ _Carmilla_? The cold hand in hers that should remind her of mortality but rather made her feel immortal.

 

Then Carmilla was looking at Laura and the quote she recited just days ago made itself present in both their minds.

 

 _To_ _cheat_ _oneself_ _out_ _of_ _love_ _is_ _the_ _most_ _terrible_ _deception_ ; _it_ _is_ _an_ _eternal_ _loss_ _for_ _which_ _there_ _is_ _no_ _reparation_ , _either_ _in_ _time_ _or_ _in_ _eternity_.

 

Laura found herself leaning forward and with the hand not grasping her professor’s, cupped Carmilla’s cheek and kissed her.

 **Kissed** her.

 

Kissed her soft and gentle and kind. Kissed her in a way she never imagined she’d be kissing Carmilla. And she imagined it a lot. She imagined being pushed into a utility closet or strewn over a desk all in the sake of secrecy and passion. But never this. Never at Carmilla’s flat in a moment of raw vulnerability. It felt quintessential. It felt **right**. So they kissed.

 

Carmilla’s lips took a few moments to remember how due to the shock of the action, but caught on quick. Soon she was applying a soft pressure to Laura’s thighs and urging her to change positions. Laura broke to swing a leg over both Carmilla’s and effectively straddle her, resting hands against her professor’s shoulders to gently push her back into the couch cushion.

 

“Hey,” She whispered with a shy smile.

 

“Hey.” Laura could feel the way Carmilla’s voice sounded like an aged scotch. Deep and husky and doing all sorts of things to her body. Much like downing a shot of hard alcohol, this felt terrible in the best way. Like a bad decision she couldn’t be happier to make.

 

Laura had to move Carmilla’s hands to her sides and she couldn’t help but wonder if she would always have to do this. Remind her professor that it was okay to touch her.

 

“It’s okay,” Laura soothed.

 

Carmilla nodded slowly and looked at where her hands rested, rubbing her thumbs back and forth.

Laura took pity on her professor’s hesitance and lifted her chin with an index finger, giving herself better access to her pale neck. She leaned forward slowly to place a soft kiss at Carmilla’s pulse point then trailed up to her ear, biting it gently. Laura found great satisfaction in the quiet whimpers Carmilla was making.

When Laura sucked hard on a particularly sensitive spot Carmilla mewled and tapped Laura’s shoulder in a way of saying no hickies.

Laura grunted in disappointment but moved on to kiss across the strong muscles of her neck before retiring to look into Carmilla’s eyes. What she found there was dark and erotic and caused her heart to skip a beat.

 

Carmilla hesitantly raised her right hand to move a strand of hair out of Laura’s face and behind her ear. When she left her fingers there, caressing the girl’s face, an intrusive thought crossed her mind. A terribly frightening thought.

 

 _I_ _like_ _her_. _Fuck_. _I_ _really_ _like_ _her_.

 

Carmilla dropped her hand back to Laura’s side and focused on a small wrinkle in the girl’s shirt.

 

“Hey,” Laura said, lifting Carmilla’s chin with her index finger, “Where do you keep going?”

 

The professor shook her head slightly and gave a curt laugh, “Nowhere, cutie.” Then leaned forward to connect their lips when she was hit with a wave of lightheadedness. It was almost as if the two had forgotten why they were there in the first place.

 

“Whoa,” Laura said, steadying her by the shoulders, “What was that?”

 

“Nothing,” Carmilla replied, “I’m going to make a cup of coffee, would you like something?”

Carmilla made to get up but Laura pushed her gently back into the couch.

 

“Coffee won’t make your problems go away, Carm.” She said with a partly annoyed partly concerned gaze.

 

Carmilla looked down at her watch and cleared her throat, “Won’t your father be expecting you?”

 

Laura gave her a ‘really?’ look but moved off her lap and onto the cushion next to her nonetheless.

 

“My father’s working a double shift tonight. He’s not expecting me.”

 

Carmilla hummed in response and looked back at her watch.

 

“It’s getting late,” Laura said, catching a glimpse of the watch face.

 

“You’re right. I think it’s time you headed home, sweetheart.”

 

Laura played with the hem of her shirt sleeves, “Actually,” she started, “I’ve never driven in the dark before.” Laura said it like she was ashamed and Carmilla took pity.

 

“I’ll give you a ride then.”

 

“You’re in no condition-“

 

“I’m fine-“

 

“Carmilla, stop,” Laura interrupted. She put a hand on the professor’s wrist. “Just stop.”

 

“You can’t see past what you think you know about me. Most people can’t. But I’d hoped that you of all people would be different. It’s not fair to hold you to that standard, I get it. But I hoped you’d at least try.” Laura raised her hand to Carmilla’s shirt collar, “Right now I am simply a woman...sitting on your couch, concerned for your wellbeing, and asking you to see past everything else. If only for tonight.”

 

Carmilla smiled softly and nodded.

 

“I think I can do that. If only for tonight,” she ended with a smirk.

 

Laura nodded with a big grin and moved her hand settle on her own lap.

 

“Would it be easier for you to stay here tonight?” Carmilla found herself asking before she could think it over.

 

Laura stopped tapping her fingers and gave Carmilla a toothy smile, “Would that be okay?”

 

Carmilla shrugged and said, “It’s the logical decision,” before getting up and disappearing down the hall. She was back moments later with blankets and a pillow.

 

“Congratulations, you’ve been promoted from just a woman sitting on my couch to just a woman sleeping on my couch.”

 

“Does this come with a pay raise?” Laura egged.

 

“Nice try. You don’t get paid for community service, Hollis.”

 

The two worked together quietly to create a makeshift bed on the piece of furniture and when finished Laura excused herself to the washroom, coming back a few minutes later with two mugs in her hands.

 

“I hope you don’t mind,” she said, handing a mug to Carmilla, “but I figured you could use something decaf.”

 

Carmilla sighed and read the name on the tea tag.

 

“Camomile?”

 

“Seemed appropriate,” she shrugged.

 

The two settled onto the makeshift bed and wrapped their hands around their respective mugs.

 

In this moment it seemed to Laura like they had come very far. To be in Carmilla’s flat with tea in her hand and the intention of staying the night. But, when Laura really thought about it, they hadn’t actually made any progress whatsoever.

Laura didn’t know where they stood and that bothered her. But she also didn’t know how to approach the conversation. It seemed as though every time she tried to talk to Carmilla she would push Laura farther away. The professor had been all too keen to implore on her life but when it came to her own? No such luck.

 

“I don’t know what to say,” Laura murmured into her mug, reveling in the warm steam from the hot drink.

 

“You don’t have to say anything,” Carmilla replied softly. How could she sound so indifferent yet kind at the same time?

 

Laura sipped her tea tentatively and then set it down on the coffee table a few feet from her. She turned to Carmilla and rested a hand on the professor’s thigh.

 

“I may not be ready to talk about myself. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk. We may have strayed from the topic earlier due to some...distracting activities. But I’m worried about you.”

 

Carmilla nodded then set her tea on the table as well.

 

“There’s no need to be worried. As I said earlier...too much caffeine.

 

Laura laughed humorlessly and shook her head.

 

“I wish you’d stop treating me like I’m dim.”

 

Carmilla sighed in defeat and said, “I don’t think you’re dim, Laura. Far from it in fact. You’re undoubtedly the brightest student in my class.”

 

Laura scoffed in a way of saying ‘that’s not saying much’ and Carmilla clicked her tongue.

 

“You think I’d allow just anyone to drive me home?”

 

Apparently Laura found that response sufficient because she was connecting her lips with Carmilla’s before the professor could protest.

 

This kiss was more like Laura had imagined. Fast paced, lust driven intensity. Before she knew it Carmilla was on top of her and she was laying on her back, head on pillow. They kissed and kissed and kissed until Laura couldn’t keep up and broke for air. Carmilla used this opportunity to attach her lips to Laura’s neck and nibble under her ear, enjoying the small moans her kisses drew from the girl’s mouth.

 

Gaining her senses back enough to make confident decisions, Laura ran her hands under Carmilla’s shirt and let her nails gently scrape her back. The groan Carmilla released from the action only spurred Laura on. She tugged on the hem of Carmilla’s shirt by way of permission and swiftly removed it after an affirmative nod. The professor’s breath hitched when Laura brushed her fingers over prominent ribs and Laura gasped at the sight before her. Laura sat up slowly, keeping Carmilla in her lap with an arm around her back. She let her free hand trace the bones before her. Carmilla was ghostly white and frighteningly thin. The warmth of Laura’s fingers were a vast contrast to the professor’s cold skin.

 

Carmilla watched as Laura studied the frail body before her.

 

“Carm...”

 

“No,” she said, grabbing Laura’s hand, “We’re not doing this.”

 

And then they were kissing and Laura was on her back again and all felt right. Carmilla’s knee pressed gently between hers as the weight of her body laid on her. Carmilla was separating Laura’s lips with her tongue as she trailed a hand to the girl’s inner thigh, softly stroking back and forth.

 

“Is this okay?” Carmilla asked, pausing to look into Laura’s eyes.

 

“Yes, more than okay.”

 

Carmilla smiled warmly and then went back to kissing as her hand trailed higher, caressing the index of Laura’s thighs. Laura moaned softly as Carmilla rubbed there and her eyes rolled back.

 

In that moment the only thing keeping Laura from pure bliss was one feeble button. One feeble button that was now being undone by deft fingers.Carmilla was kissing her neck softly when she slid her hand under Laura’s underwear. The professor moaned at the amount of moisture that had gathered there. Laura blushed at it.

 

Then, as if stepping out into arctic temperatures, Laura froze suddenly. So suddenly and so stiff that Carmilla immediately stopped what she was doing and looked up at her. Laura’s perfectly golden skin turned pale and her mouth hung open.

 

“Laura?” Carmilla asked, voice laced with concern.

 

“I...”

 

Carmilla gently buttoned Laura’s skirt and sat up on the other end of the couch.

 

“Laura, talk to me please.”

 

Laura sat up as well and fixed her gaze on the coffee table in front of her.

 

“I c-ca...”

 

Carmilla understood now. At least, understood enough.

 

“It’s okay, Laura. I’m going to go get you some water and be right back, okay?”

 

Laura nodded quickly as Carmilla stood and headed to the kitchen. She filled up a small glass and slowly walked back to the couch.

 

“Here,” She said softly as she handed Laura the cup.

 

She took it and drank it, sighing in content when finished.

 

Carmilla hesitantly sat back on the other side of the couch.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Carmilla’s head whipped in Laura’s direction.

 

“No. Don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

 

“But-“

 

“Laura. I should’ve have known better. And I shouldn’t have put you in that position. I’m the one at fault here, not you.”

 

Laura shook her head.

 

“Carmilla. I wanted it. I wanted you. It’s just...I’m not ready.”

 

Carmilla smiled softly.

 

“And that’s okay.”

 

Laura inched forward and wrapped her arms around the professor, pulling her in for a hug.

 

“Thank you,” she whispered against Carmilla’s neck.

 

“What for?”

 

Carmilla could feel warm tears trailing down her neck.

 

“For listening.”

 

Carmilla’s heart nearly stopped and her sadness crushed her ribs.

 

 _Had_ _someone_ _not_ _listened_ _when_ _Laura_ _said_ _no_? _Who_ _hurt_ _her_? _Who_ _do_ _I_ _need_ _to_ _**kill**_?

 

“Of course, sweetheart. Of course.”

 

Before she could realize what was happening soon enough to suggest that she has a perfectly good bed a few feet away, Laura had pulled Carmilla down to lay horizontally on the couch and was now laying on top of her. Her head on the professor’s chest, listening to the faint heartbeat there.

 

“You’ll talk to me someday, won’t you?”

 

A beat.

 

“So long as you talk to me,” Laura replied sleepily.

 

Carmilla sighed and gingerly placed a hand on the small of the girl’s back. Wanting to be comforting but uncontrolling.

 

Laura yawned.

 

“Get some rest, Laura,” she said as she began to rub small circles on the girl’s back in a soothing manner.

 

“‘night Carm,” She grunted before inevitably falling into a deep slumber.

 

Carmilla didn’t get any sleep that night. Her mind going over all the things she may have done wrong.

 

 _What_ _the_ _fuck_ _have_ _I_ _gotten_ _myself_ _into_?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been writing this on and off out of order when I get the chance, so the timeline is a bit wonky. Let me know if you have any questions.


	9. So badass, my love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Laura waits until they're in a confined Ferris wheel cart to open up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: mentions of non-consensual sex, and death.

_December 1_

 

The local fair had set up ground over the last few days and was now open for business. Laura hadn’t been to a fair since she was a kid back in California. It used to be a family tradition. Her father would win stuffed animals for her and her mother would take her on the Ferris Wheel with some hot cocoa for the last ride of the night. 

*

**A cool breeze swept up an eleven year old Laura’s brown locks, chills traveling down her spine.**

 

**“What did I tell you about layers, sweetheart?”**

 

**Laura’s mother, Eileen, unraveled a woolen red scarf from around her neck and wrapped it gently around her daughter.**

 

**Laura smiled kindly in response and lent her head to rest against her mother’s shoulder.**

 

**“Do I have a cocoa mustache?” Laura asked as she rubbed quickly at her upper lip.**

 

**Eileen chuckled softly, “No, darling.”**

 

**Laura furrowed her brows and scrunched her nose, “Then why are you staring at me?”**

 

**Eileen smiled and brushed a strand of hair behind her daughter’s ear, “You’re so beautiful I just couldn’t help myself.”**

 

**Laura ducked her head in embarrassment, “Yeah well Daddy says I get it from you so take that!”**

 

**“Did he now?” Eileen shook her head in amusement and sipped her hot cocoa.**

 

**Laura folded her arms,” I am not beautiful! I am intelligent and strong and....badass!”**

 

**Both girls seemed taken back by the sudden swear word. Laura’s hand was quick to cover her mouth and Eileen tried her best to stifle her laughter.**

 

**“Of course, my apologies Gloria Steinem I didn’t mean to offend you.”**

 

**Laura’s eyes squinted at the unfamiliar name but she seemed to be satisfied with the apology.**

 

**“That’s okay mom,” she grinned and took a drink of her cocoa. A small line of chocolate was left on her mouth.**

 

**Eileen removed her leather glove to wipe it off with her thumb, “So badass my love.”**

 

**Laura blushed and moved to lean her head back against Eileen’s shoulder.**

 *

Laura looked back down at her phone to the prompt of her reminiscing. 

 

_You have to have a family to continue a tradition_

 

**Laf:** Hey L, hear about the fair in town?

 

**Laura:** ...no?

 

**Laf:** Really? It’s a whole thing around here. Anyhow Perr and I are going if you want to join us.

 

**Laura:** Join you on your date? 

 

**Laf:** :|

 

**Laura:** ;)

 

**Laf:** If anything you’d be saving me from the awkward ‘what pronouns do I use if’ scenario questions.

 

**Laura:** What’s in it for me?

 

**Laf:** Besides being a good friend? Free cotton candy?

 

**Laura:** Fine. For the cotton candy.

 

**Laf:** Great, thanks! I’ll pick you up tomorrow at 7.

 

* * *

 

“Hey I’m going to go find the bathroom guys,” Laura said while turning from the group.

 

“Be careful!” Perry shouted in response over her shoulder. 

 

It didn’t take long to find the long line behind two portable restrooms. Suddenly Laura didn’t seem to have to go anymore. She sighed and looked around her, finding herself quite misplaced. 

 

_Which way had I come from?_

_Lafontaine’s phone is dead._

_What was Perry’s phone number again?_

 

“Lost?” Came a voice far too mature for fair grounds. 

 

Laura felt her fingers tingling at the sound; spine straight.

 

She turned around slowly to be met with the face of the last person she thought she’d see here. 

 

“You don’t strike me as the fair type,” Laura observed. 

 

Carmilla smirked, “And I thought you weren’t the type to make quick judgements.” 

 

Laura pressed her lips together in a firm line and stuck her fingers in her pockets, unsure of what to do with them. 

 

“Are you here alone or...?”

 

“I’m not here with someone if that’s what you’re asking,” Carmilla said with a small smile. 

 

Laura nodded in response. 

 

“May I uh...may I get you something to drink?” 

 

Laura couldn’t help the smirk that formed at her professor’s nervousness. 

 

Her friends came to mind.

 

For all they know I’m still in line for the bathroom.

 

“Sure,” Laura responded.

 

Carmilla smiled softly in response and motioned for the other woman to join her.

 

They walked in a comfortable silence in the direction of what Laura assumed to be the food and beverage stands. The sound of laughter and the occasional surprised yelp could be heard from the crowds around them as they continued to walk next to each other. Close enough to where their hands would brush every so often. But far enough away not to raise suspicion should someone they know see them.  

 

“One cocoa, one coffee,” Ordered the professor once they reached a warm beverage stand. 

 

“How’d you know I liked cocoa?” 

 

Carmilla shrugged innocently, “seemed like the type.”

 

Laura folded her arms and puffed out her chest some, ”And I thought you weren’t the type to make quick judgements.”

 

“Original,” she deadpanned. 

 

“Hey, for all you know I could love black coffee!”

 

Carmilla smirked, “has anyone ever told you how adorable that frustrated face you make is?” 

 

Laura scrunched her nose and narrowed her gaze.

 

“Alright then Scout, here you go,” the professor said, handing the coffee to Laura; mischievous glint in her eye. 

 

Laura nodded in thanks, visibly proud of herself. 

 

All it took was one sip and the drink was out of her mouth just as fast as it was in. Laura spat out the liquid onto the ground below her, thankful they’d moved to a more secluded area before hand. 

 

“Jesus,” Carmilla breathed as she was quick to steady Laura and pat her back cautiously. 

 

Once the coughs resided Laura stood straight again and turned slightly, noticing the way Carmilla had her hands on her.

 

How could she _not_ notice that. 

 

The professor cleared her throat and removed her hands, making a lousy quip in order to play off how nervous she now was.

 

“Well I certainly hope you can hold down your liquor better than your coffee.” 

 

Laura raised her eyebrows in surprise.

 

“I take that back. You’d better not be drinking alcohol.” 

 

Laura smiled, “yeah well you have no right to tease me. Don’t think I didn’t notice how you tried to come to my rescue right then.” 

 

Carmilla rolled her eyes but couldn’t help the grin that was slowly forming. 

 

“Here,” she said, switching cups with Laura.

 

She accepted the cocoa gratefully and handed the professor the coffee. 

 

“You know I drank out of that, right?”

 

Carmilla raised her eyebrows, “Okay. A. Yes, I know I just witnessed that demonstration and B. You know that my tongue has literally been down your throat, right?” 

 

Laura dipped her head and cleared her throat to hide her blush. 

 

“C’mon cupcake,” she grinned and placed a hand on her elbow lightly, “looks like the line for the Ferris Wheel has gone down. Care to join me?”

 

**Eileen removed her leather glove to wipe it off with her thumb, “So badass my love.”**

 

“Cupcake?”

 

**“You’re so beautiful I just couldn’t help myself.”**

 

“Is everything okay?” 

 

**“Laura, you’re father is here to pick you up.”**

 

**“What? Why?”**

 

**“I don’t know, ask him.”**

 

“Sweetheart, what’s going on?”

 

**“I don’t understand, Dad.”**

 

**“The other driver. He was drunk and he didn’t see your mother, honey.”**

 

“Laura, please.” 

 

Laura blinked once and before her was Carmilla, whose hands were resting delicately on her biceps now. 

 

“Wha...”

 

Carmilla’s worried gaze softened and her thumbs began to move back of fourth gently. 

 

“I’m sorry,” she said, dropping her eyes to the black leather boots in front of her. 

 

“Hey, there’s no need to apologize.” 

 

Laura nodded but kept her eyes locked on Carmilla’s shoes. 

 

“Laura, look at me please.” 

 

She did. 

 

Carmilla smiled warmly, “It’s okay.” 

 

Laura nodded slowly and leaned forward until her forehead rested against Carmilla’s shoulder. 

 

The professor moved her hands from Laura’s biceps to wrap around her back, applying a gentle pressure between the shoulder blades. 

 

“You remember earlier when you called me Scout?” 

 

Carmilla hummed in response. The vibration in her chest reverberated through Laura’s. 

 

“I took that as a compliment.”

 

Carmilla smiled with her nose pressed in Laura’s hair. 

 

“Who wouldn’t?” 

 

Laura moved to rest her cheek against the professor’s chest. 

 

“To Kill a Mocking Bird was a blacklisted book in our school district... so my mom made sure I had a copy of course.”

 

Carmilla chuckled softly.

 

“Your mother sounds like a brilliant woman.” 

 

“Yeah,” Laura said as she pulled back, “she was.”

 

When they made eye contact Laura expected to see pity there but instead all she could see was kindness. And familiarity. Safety. 

 

“We would always ride together on the Ferris Wheel. When our cart got to the top we’d try to see who could finish their cocoa the fastest. I always won but I knew it was because she’d watch me instead of actually trying.”

 

Carmilla nodded in understanding.

 

“She loved you, Laura.”

 

“I know,” she smiled softly, “now let’s go get in line before it gets busy again.”  

 

* * *

 

The cart started to move after a few moments as the employee latched the door shut. 

It was getting late so the noises became less joyful and young and more monotone and adult. 

 

Laura had called Perry while they waited in line telling her that she’d join them later and to enjoy themselves. Later she figured she’d chalk it up to wanting Laf to have some alone time with Perry as an excuse.

 

The air was crisp and the wind had a sharp chill to it as the sun went down and the moon came out. 

 

Carmilla and Laura sat in companionable silence as the cart drew closer and closer to the top. Laura thought about all of the romantic cliches of the Ferris Wheel malfunctioning once they’d reached it.

 

_If only._

 

After ten minutes or so, once the temperature turned cooler and their proximity turned closer, Carmilla slowly moved her hand to rest over Laura’s which’d been laying on her own lap. The professor watched Laura hesitantly, gauging her reaction. 

 

Laura smiled and nodded, shifting closer and threading their fingers together tightly. So tight in fact that Carmilla turned to look at her again, but Laura was looking out at the crowds of people. 

 

“I was 15,” she started, though what Carmilla had no idea. 

 

“It was my mom’s birthday, not long after she’d passed. I knew my father would be at the bar so I decided to take the longer, more secluded route home after school.” 

 

The professor didn’t know where this was going but she was getting a bad feeling about it so she tightened her grip on Laura’s hand some and remained silent. 

 

“This boy, the captain of the football and basketball team, joined me while I was walking. He said he didn’t want me to be alone. I told him I was okay but he insisted until I eventually relented.”

 

Laura let out a shaky breath and continued to study the fair-goers below. 

 

“As we were walking he told me about how he’d liked me since the sixth grade and that he’d always admired me. That he thought I was beautiful. I knew I was gay then but I wasn’t out and my father was going through enough at the time so I simply accepted the compliment but told him I wasn’t interested. He didn’t believe me.” 

 

Carmilla could feel her heartbeat quickening and her lungs tightening. She fought to keep her breathing under control. 

 

“The path I was taking was one that not many knew of. It was quiet and it went through a patch of forest so things could easily be hidden. Some kids used it as their spot to smoke during lunch because no one ever went back there.”

 

Laura removed her hand from Carmilla’s and stuck them in her peacoat pockets instead. She still refused to make eye-contact. 

 

“Like I said. He didn’t believe me. He... punched me in the sternum. Hard enough that I couldn’t breathe. Then he hit me in the liver until I fell over. He was taller than me. Stronger. I couldn’t fight back no matter how hard I tried. He held me down as he covered my mouth so I couldn’t scream. Then he...”

 

Laura’s breathing was uneven and she had to use a hand to cover her eyes. 

 

“He...”

 

Carmilla had heard enough. And she had to put Laura’s well-being before her own anger. So she said, “Laura, stop. It’s okay. You don’t have to say anymore. It’s okay.” 

 

Laura leaned forward until her head was in her hands and her elbows on her knees. Her ribs wracked with sobs. 

 

“Oh, darling,” Carmilla sighed, tentatively reaching forward to rub her hand across Laura’s back soothingly. 

 

 

_That’s what she meant when she thanked me for listening. I don’t care if I have to catch the next flight out of Vancouver - this kid is getting paid a visit from Carmilla Karnstein._

 

Laura leaned back after a few moments; eyes trained on Carmilla intently. Carmilla could tell whatever she was about to say was important but all she could focus on was the glassy look in the girl’s eyes. And how she’d never had a homicidal urge as intense and conceivable as now. Laura’s cheeks were a dark pink hue and wet from the moisture of her own tears. 

 

“Don’t think I don’t know what you’re thinking. You _can’t_ , Carm.” 

 

Carmilla blanched at the thought that Laura knew she was imagining first degree murder. 

 

“Bu-“

 

“No buts. I’m serious Carmilla.”

 

The professor sighed quietly and nodded.

 

“Okay.”

 

Laura blinked; relieved, “Okay?”

 

Carmilla nodded again and closed her eyes, “Okay.” 

 

The professor opened her eyes again, “But-“

 

“Carm.”

 

Laura looked defeated and it killed the older woman to see that expression pointed in her direction. 

 

“Okay,” she breathed. 

 

Laura went back to looking at the crowds below.

 

“Hey,” Carmilla said with what Laura would swear was the softest voice she’d ever heard her use. 

 

Laura turned to look back at her.

 

“Thank you,” the professor said with a kind smile, ”Thank you for telling me. Thank you for trusting me.”

 

Laura’s eyes began to water again but the look on her face wasn’t one of shame or defeat anymore, rather sadness. She nodded and watched her hands as she played with the loose yarn of her gloves. 

 

“Have you...” Carmilla started, unsure of herself, “Have you told anyone? Besides me?” 

 

Laura let out a breath that sounded more like a bitter laugh than anything.

 

“I tried,” when she looked up at Carmilla the professor’s eyes held no judgement. Only warmth. So she continued, “My best friend at the time.”

 

Laura swallowed visibly and straightened her back slightly. 

 

“She didn’t believe me. She said this would ruin his life.”

 

Beside her, if it weren’t so quiet in their confined car, Laura would have missed the barely audible gasp that left the professor’s mouth. 

 

“Without acknowledging the fact that he’d already ruined yours...” Carmilla spoke softly. Ruefully. 

 

Then, with caution and mindfulness, Carmilla slowly reached her hand out in invitation. 

Laura studied the ghostly outstretched hand before her and accepted it with her own. 

 

At the contact she let out a soft sob and brought her gaze to her professor’s. 

 

Carmilla smiled warmly and covered Laura’s hand with the over one not holding it; rubbing her thumb over skin back and forth. 

 

“I believe you, Laura,” she felt tears threaten to fall, “I believe you.” 

 

Laura moved forward to rest her head on Carmilla’s chest and the professor wrapped her arms around her back. 

 

“You’re safe, sweetheart. I’ve got you.” She whispered into her ear, “I’ve got you.” 

 

“I know,” Laura whispered back. 


End file.
